i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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