Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
