note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
