i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
