I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
