P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Damn victory sex feels great
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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