You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
