Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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