no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
