so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize