If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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