I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
