Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
