Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
