My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
