Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
