Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
