I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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