he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
