Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
