he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I had to cum in my sink.
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