I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
