Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
