I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
