how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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