Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
