He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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