Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
