I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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