bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
