I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
