I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
