Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize