the condom got lost in my hair
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
