Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
