I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize