This is not my ceiling
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We were destined to go to rehab together
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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