I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
