Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
