Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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