paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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