i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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