Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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