i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
