i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
