I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
