i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
