Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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