I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
