Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize