I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
