My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
