im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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