I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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