I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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