Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
