My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
