Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
