Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
