I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
