Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
