What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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