ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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